Fall Apart
by teammccord
Summary: "Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." - Marylin Monroe Post 2x15


_A/N: Wow, 2x15 was intense! I don't have enough room here to even begin to talk about all of it, but I will say this — Elizabeth desperately needed to be able to cry and fall apart, so I let her. And thought vomit while she was at it :) Enjoy!_

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"…We can actually talk to each other." Relief flooded Elizabeth at those words. She and Henry were going to be okay, they would have no more secrets straining their marriage. They were going to be all right. She turned to her husband and smiled, closing her eyes and gathering her bearings as she heard him agree to Dalton's proposal. It was everything she could do to not melt into his arms right then and fall apart — from relief, and sadness, and the realization that the past few days hadn't processed in her mind, not yet.

…

She'd been close to breaking when they hadn't known anything about Henry's condition, but switched to Secretary of State mode as soon as she entered the White House. Henry was right, her place was with the President, both for the safety of the nation and her own sanity. The only way she could get through the day without worrying herself sick would be to compartmentalize, a skill she'd learned at the CIA. Henry knew that, and she tried to do her best, for him. So she'd thrown herself into the work, to try and track down the uranium and figure out what they'd missed to allow this to happen on American soil. Slowly, over the course of the day, the dots began connecting and a picture was forming — a terrifying one. The terrorist, and most likely six kilograms of uranium, were still out there, and so far, they'd gone unnoticed by the most sophisticated intelligence community in the world. The CIA director surely hadn't helped, but she knew that this was a mission of utmost importance, and not one to be solved in a day. This would drag on, but hopefully not long enough for another attack to happen.

Blake's call had pulled her out of the situation room, and she'd waited patiently for him to put the doctor on the phone. When she was told Henry had been exposed to the radiation, she couldn't seem to wrap her head around the idea. He _had_ to be okay. Henry had to get through this, she didn't know if she could survive him dying, if she could live without him. He was her everything, and she felt like nothing without him. Not being able to speak to him was the worst part — the uncertainty of the situation loomed over her. Once again, she forced herself to compartmentalize, and focus solely on the terrorists who'd put them here to begin with.

When Henry was allowed his phone call and got a hold of her from the hospital, she'd finally been able to let out the breath she didn't know she was holding. All she could think was that he was talking, and joking, and God, his dorkiness was so oddly reassuring, and she couldn't believe she'd looked up Prussian blue, and she just loved him so, so much. He must've sensed her fear and relief because he tried to calm her down and crack jokes, when he was the one being poked and prodded and potentially on the brink of death. She loved him for that, for being her rock, and for knowing that today was hard on her too. She was still prone to panic attacks every once in a while, and with the strain the last few months had put on both of them, he knew this could easily put her on edge. But when she had choked out "I love you so—" all of her guards fell down and she was just so, so scared this would be the last time she saw him, heard him speak, the last time she'd tell him she loved him, more than anything. He knew too, and responded quickly, not missing the gravity of the moment. The phone call with Henry had made it so real, and tangible, but unreachable — and in a way she was relieved it was over and she could put her façade on again. It was the only thing keeping her from sobbing, for her husband, and her children, and her country, and the girl that had been forced to wreak havoc on them all.

She stood by Henry's hospital room later, and it took all her willpower not to press that button and wake him up. He looked so calm and peaceful, and she knew rest was the best thing for him right now, not dealing with his panicked wife. She couldn't help the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach though — what if he didn't wake up, or slipped into a coma, or worse, was dead already and she just couldn't tell… Blake ripped her from her thoughts, and they quickly made their way through the hospital, to see her children and the Italian ambassador. The children, she almost broke down again when she saw them, and held them, and made sure they were all right, which of course they weren't, mentally, because they'd seen an explosion, and their father had gone back to ground zero. But there was nothing she could do to make the memories go away, and it pained her. Much like when she couldn't protect Abdol in Iran, she felt helpless. And now both she and Henry had been in life-threatening situations, and her poor children had feared for both their lives. All she could do now was hold them, and tell them the truth — she didn't know if their father would be all right, and it terrified her.

Her meeting with the Italian ambassador had been cut short when the nurse came up to her to tell her Henry woke up, and was asking for her. She looked over to Blake, and he let her know that she could go, he'd handle this. She took deep breaths walking down the hall, willing herself to calm down. Henry was up, and asking for her, she repeated over and over. He had to be okay. She met the kids at the door to his room. He saw them immediately, and the smile on his face melted her heart. How horrible it must've been, she thought, in isolation all day, with everyone around him in Hazmat suits. Then the doctor came. And Henry was not going to die. And they all stormed his room, the children throwing themselves at their father. And she was just so, so happy, and relieved, and on the brink of tears, and then he looked at her, and all she could manage was "Hi."

She choked back the happy tears as she bent down to kiss him, to prove to herself that he was indeed alive and breathing. Which he was — gloriously alive, and smiling at her, and she couldn't stop grinning like an idiot either. The rest was a blur: signing the forms, getting him dressed, gathering all their things, and heading out to the cars. When she was summoned back to the White House, she silently cursed all the karma in the world, but she did serve at the pleasure, so she got in the car with Blake, and let the kids take Henry home.

He looked so frail, later on, in their bed, and her heart broke for him that he'd been through this, that they'd all been through this. But then he dropped the DIA bombshell. She was livid. How could Henry, after having lived through the past few months that had pushed them to the brink so many times ignore all that and head straight back into the line of fire? How would they survive this again? All her anger had dissipated when he laid down though, curling up under the blankets, and all she saw was her husband, who'd just been through hell, and was still too weak to spar with her or at least throw out a quote or two. So she tucked him in, postponing the argument, and stroked his cheek as he fell asleep, shedding silent tears because she was so grateful he was still here, and she couldn't be mad at him now, when all she felt was relief, and love.

She could tell he felt bad the next morning, even though he wasn't backing down. She forced herself to trust him, for him to be able to recognize if they drifted apart again, and to trust herself to vocalize her own fears. So she gave in to his flirting, and they made out upstairs, until she tucked him into bed again and headed out to work.

She thought she'd accepted the situation with DIA until Henry blew up at her that evening, accusing her of meddling with his chances of reinstatement. She'd never stoop that low, he must know that, she thought. She was furious he even went there, and was not about to blame it on the radiation. No, this was Henry being unreasonable. She was about to launch into an argument with him when the White House called, and announced their late-night visitors.

And now Dalton and Russel were at their house, offering Henry a job to track down Hizb al-Shabib, one she could know about, and she was so relived, and she closed her eyes to hold back the tears.

…

Henry, Conrad and Russel were discussing the technicalities of the arrangement, and Elizabeth tried her best to pay attention, but her mind was going a mile a minute, running back though the past few days. She'd apparently spaced out for a while there, because Conrad looked over to her, concern marking his features.

"Bess, are you all right?"

"I'm fine, just tired" she deflected. Henry wasn't buying it, and he squeezed her hand, silently letting her know he was there. She accepted it gratefully, knowing she could fall apart later, once Russel and Conrad left. They did a few minutes later, and Henry turned to Elizabeth as he closed the door.

"Babe, are you really okay?"

"No…" she choked out, and the tears began to flow as she flung herself into Henry's arms and wept. He rubbed his hands up and down her back as she cried, trying to soothe her, but to no avail. He eventually coaxed her back to the couch, pulling her into his embrace as they curled up on it together. She buried her head in his shoulder, and he stroked her hair as she let go, all the pent-up emotions washing over her at once. When the crying subsided, he nudged her chin up so she could look at him.

"Feel better?"

"Yeah, I just haven't really processed what happened yet. I could've lost you, Henry. I don't think I would have survived that."

"Babe, look at me. I'm right here, I'm okay. And I'm not going anywhere." He bent over to kiss her then, to reassure her he was alive, and breathing, and right here. She looked up and nodded, still teary-eyed, and forced herself to smile. "I love you, Elizabeth McCord. And I hate that you thought, even for a second, that you might lose me. Because I wouldn't have survived losing you either."

"I love you so much, Henry." She curled into his arms again, and they sat on the couch quietly for a few minutes.

"This can actually work," she said, breaking the silence. "The special group, I mean. You can track down Hizb al-Shabib, and we can _talk_ about it. No more silence, no more playing each other, no more lies."

"I know, babe, and I'm so sorry. I hated what it did to us the first time, just as much as you did. But when the bomb went off, I just couldn't see it, all I knew was that I had to help, and DIA seemed like the most effective way. You did marry a Marine, babe. Sometimes we get carried away."

She chuckled. "It's one of the things I love about you, Henry, that you always want to help. And I don't blame you for it. You and I signed up for this a long time ago."

"But that doesn't justify me hurting you, or _us_ , and I'm sorry."

"Henry, was this what you felt like when I was missing in Iran?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Every minute," he replied, in an equally hushed tone.

"It's horrible."

"I know." It dawned on both of them then, just how close they'd come to losing one another, first with Iran, then the dirty bomb. They clung to each other, in an act of desperation, never wanting to let go. Soon, tears flowed again, and they tried to comfort each other, to accept their reality — the jobs, the bombs, and the danger. And they were so grateful that they had each other to get through this, because working together, nothing seemed quite as insurmountable.

"Henry…"

"Yeah, babe."

"We need ice cream and scotch, because we can talk to each other, and track down terrorists together, and we're gonna be okay. So we need to toast, and have ice cream." She unwrapped herself from Henry's embrace and headed over to the kitchen. He stared after her, a smile gracing his features. She was right. They weren't falling apart anymore, they were glued back together, stronger than ever.

"Right behind you."

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 _Fin. I hope you liked it, feedback makes my day!_


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